1. Destroyer or Destroyed?

“Please don’t do it, I’m begging you,” I pleaded. “I’ll do anything, give you anything, just leave me alone, please,” I begged.

However, my pleas fell on deaf ears, all that happened was that the grip on my wrists tightened, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse. I pleaded and begged for many more precious moments but her face just remained impassive. She didn’t even seem to register what I was saying, it was as if she couldn’t even hear my pleas.

It was only when she began dragging me to the car that despair set in. Utter desperation overcame me and I was prepared to do anything to stop her but I recognised that look in her eyes, that glint of stubbornness which indicated that her mind was set. I didn’t know her but stubbornness I knew well. I could recognise it a mile away because, lets just say stubbornness is my best friend. My strongest trait. The characteristic by which I was known by. My signature, you could call it.

Stubbornness doesn’t have a very nice ring to it though so I prefer to call it determination and if it weren’t for that, my life would have no purpose. Not that it has much use at the moment. I’m a destroyer. Destroyer of what you may ask? The happiness of all those close to me. If you’re shaking your head and murmuring soft, kind words, please don’t waste your time lying to me and yourself, I’ve accepted it. Not only have I accepted it, I’ve found a solution for it. It’s a very simple one really, an idiot could have realised it even, get close to no one, you can’t hurt anyone. It wasn’t that hard actually. If you also tend to be a someone who destroys the happiness of those around you, you’ll understand. If not, you’re probably nodding your head sympathetically pretending to understand, please stop. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who do that. Not that I like many people either ways. Don’t take it personally.

Now getting back to the point, did I mention that I also hate people who digress? If you know me, you’ll point out that I do it a lot but I never said I liked myself, did I. So anyways, as I was saying, it wasn’t hard to prevent people from getting close to me. I myself was surprised in fact, and I’m quite the cynic, at how quickly people drifted away from me, even people who promised in kindergarten that they’d be my best friend forever. I suppose when you’re just a destroyer of happiness, people are happy to leave you.

To all you romantics and dreamers, allow me to burst your bubble. The promise of forever is as true as is Shaytaan reading Salaah on your prayer mat if you don’t fold it.In simple terms, a huge load of utter rubbish and lies.I mean Shaytaan reading Salaah, how amazing! Maybe I should always leave my prayer mat open.

There was only one exception to the rule, one person who still stuck around and didn’t desert me, who actually still loves ME. He doesn’t verbally express it but by his actions I know he loves me. I don’t think my heart could bear it if he stopped loving me, if he stopped caring for me.

This woman was not going to take that away from me, she couldn’t. I would never let her. I might as well end my life if she does that because he was my everything. My life, my supporter, the only person who loved me, the only one blind to my numerous faults…

And it would stay that way, no matter what the consequences. I’d stopped caring about others a long time ago anyway. I’d gotten the title stubborn for a reason and that woman was going to figure it out, the hard way. Bribery or begging, tears or tantrums, coercion or compulsion, insistence or intimidation, nothing was too grave. In fact, it was all in accordance with my motto for life, “The sky is the limit…”.



I can still remember the first time I saw her. I can remember the feel of the grass beneath me and the deep blue hue of the sky. I can remember the laughter of the children around me as they enjoyed playing on the jungle gym. I can remember gazing around in boredom at all those around me and that’s when I caught sight of her.

The first thing that drew me in was her care free nature. She seemed to be in her own world, lying on her back somewhere in the middle of the playground. She was unbothered by all the noise around her. She lay there in the middle of the playground, fast asleep. I was glad she was asleep as it gave me free rein to examine her. I envied that smile on her face wondering how someone could be so happy that they actually smiled in their sleep.

For years, I watched her from afar. She was someone special. Her quiet yet effervescent nature, her unassuming confidence and best of all, her genuine smile all drew me in, yet I knew that I never had a chance. Someone special like that will never settle for the likes of me. In fact I didn’t want that. She deserved better and I wanted her to have better. Besides, one of the main things that drew me to her was her modesty. I knew she’ll never agree to a relationship of any sort, even just friendship. Everything about her was perfect. Maybe one day, she would be mine. Even her name suited her perfectly, Haalah. She was the epitome of perfection and the girl of my dreams. Even though, deep down I knew she was unattainable.

Then suddenly, she changed completely. In the space of a week she went from being Haalah, the sweet, modest, straight-A achieving, innocent and quiet girl to Haalah the girl who attended parties, didn’t bother much about anything, least of all her grades, who spoke to everyone and anyone and who didn’t mind flaunting herself. She went from being a loner, to sitting with the ‘it’ clique. Worst of all was seeing her casually chatting to boys. Everytime this happened, it took all I had in me to stop myself from walking over to her and dragging her away by that tuft of hair ‘oh so casually’ sticking out from the front of her hijab. She had no right to do that. The only boy she should be speaking to is me.

Truthfully though, what truly set me of though was seeing her casually flirting with him. That’s when I really felt like hurting her. When she casually touched his arm or giggled at something he said, it was as if an inferno ignited inside me. Sure, he was the most popular guy in the school who all the girls were gaga over and she was on her way to becoming the most popular girl but that didn’t justify it. This was absolutely unacceptable. She was mine and mine only and soon she was going to know, realise and have to accept that. Very, very soon, no matter what it took….